if you like me you must not know who I am
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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