I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
