dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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