I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
