the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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