I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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