there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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