when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
