The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
