Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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