The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
