just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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