well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
