Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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