two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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