if you like me you must not know who I am
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
