if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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