Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
