He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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