Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
