Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
