I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
