6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
