I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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