I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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