My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just had sex bonerless
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
