Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
