I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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