sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
