I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
