Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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