just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
