dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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