Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
