Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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