Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
