I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
