in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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