Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
