it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
