And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We smell like vodka and hangover
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