his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
