but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
