Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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