Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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