So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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