Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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