Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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