i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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