Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
